What makes healthy boundaries – and how to implement them – according to a psychotherapist

How healthy boundaries can protect your emotional wellbeing, and where you might be going wrong.

Photo by Erin Larson on Unsplash+

In recent years, popular culture has made ‘boundaries’ a saviour, touted as the way to prevent burnout at work and fallout with friends. But how do we make them, and what makes a boundary ‘healthy’?

Psychotherapist Lynn Somerfield suggests that maintaining healthy boundaries around relationships, work and personal beliefs is crucial to good mental health.

In her new book, The Seeds of Change – How Therapists Cultivate Personal Growth, she draws on patient case histories and insights from her own mental and physical health issues, which she overcame with psychotherapy. The sudden loss of her mother and other traumatic life events left Lynn with post-traumatic stress disorder and myalgic encephalomyelitis, also known as chronic fatigue syndrome.

Using themes and evidence-based approaches from therapy, she offers practical insights and exercises for anyone looking to improve their wellbeing, including establishing boundaries

She advises that establishing boundaries is fundamental to building positive connections with others that promote emotional well-being, rather than draining our energy or undermining our self-worth.

Boundaries are fundamental rules you expect involving your body, personal space, material possessions, emotions, time and intellectual beliefs. Examples include turning off your work phone in the evenings to protect family time or declining a social invitation if you need to rest.

Although boundaries sound simple enough, they are often fraught with difficulty. People may be afraid to advocate for what they need due to fear of loss or rejection, or they may view themselves as a ‘helpful’ person and overextend themselves regularly.

For those people, Lynn has a warning: overcommitting or allowing others to monopolise your time can lead to burnout, as can taking responsibility for others’ feelings.

“Healthy boundaries, though adaptable, are established to strengthen our connections with others rather than to push them away,” she explains.

“They guide us in recognising appropriate and respectful interactions and promoting relationships while preserving our identity, clarifying where we stop, and others start.

“These limits are personal, reflecting our unique values, needs, and constraints. Well-defined boundaries enhance our emotional well-being, safeguard our energy and personal space, and foster respectful, nurturing relationships rather than draining ones.”

Body and space boundaries

In today’s Western culture, more emphasis is placed on respecting bodily boundaries, and most children learn early on about ‘skin’ boundaries, such as what a ‘good’ and a ‘bad’ touch feel like. Lynn acknowledges that this can be challenging for some adults who may have missed the opportunity to understand body boundaries in their childhoods, but that it is never too late.

Lynn’s advice is that respecting personal boundaries starts early, and it starts at home. She explains: “Children are safest when consent is normalised: clear language, calm conversations, permission before touch, and trusted adults they can always tell.”

Unwanted physical contact violates personal boundaries and can have a profound emotional impact, particularly when someone feels vulnerable, she says.

Lynn advises parents, carers and guardians that the simplest, most effective protection we can offer children is to make bodily autonomy an everyday norm, not a one-off ‘big talk’. That means using age-appropriate language (for younger children, “private parts are the areas covered by underwear or swimwear”) and, as they grow, introducing correct anatomical terms so they can name what is happening clearly and without shame.

She suggests teaching the basics of consent early and often: their body is theirs, “no” is always an option, and they never have to accept hugs or kisses, even from relatives.

“Model this by asking before you hug a child, respecting a refusal, and encouraging children to ask before hugging a friend,” she says. “Keep the conversation calm, factual, and ongoing, and practice simple phrases such as “stop, I don’t like that” so children can find their voice when it matters.”

As well as body boundaries, people can have personal or physical space boundaries – but this can be difficult to navigate given personal preferences.

Lynn explains: “Some people prefer to get close, others want to maintain some distance, and others require more.”

For those who struggle to identify their personal space boundaries or already feel it has been invaded, Lynn suggests a technique to restore a sense of personal space. This involves imagining a soft boundary around you, then saying to yourself silently, ‘this is my space’.

Material boundaries

Another boundary worth implementing concerns material belongings. Lynn’s advice is that to lend and share items successfully – and safeguard them – you must be able to say ‘no’. It is also important to express your disappointment if your possessions are disrespected; otherwise, the anger will turn inward.

Lynn explains: “Unexpressed feelings can lead to depression or to passive-aggressive behaviours such as missed appointments, forgotten birthdays, or withdrawal from relationships.”

Mental, emotional and intellectual boundaries

Perhaps one of the most challenging boundaries to navigate in interpersonal relationships is that surrounding feelings and energy. These need to be safeguarded too, according to Lynn, but for many emotional, cultural and historical reasons, people find these boundaries difficult to express.

To begin establishing emotional boundaries, Lynn advises refraining from absorbing others’ emotional burdens, asserting “no” when situations become overwhelming, and being truthful with yourself and others. Her tips include making it clear how much time you have to spare and rehearsing saying the word ‘no’ out loud.

In a demanding world, setting time boundaries can be a real logistical challenge for many. But Lynn warns that managing and valuing your own time and that of others is essential to maintaining a balanced relationship. Her guidance is to let personal priorities, including work, family, hobbies, and leisure activities, determine how time is allocated.

She suggests earmarking specific time blocks on your calendar for work, relaxation, or enjoyment, and treating them as essential appointments. Recognise moments when you feel overwhelmed or stretched too thin, says Lynn, and modify commitments as needed.

Intellectual boundaries involve recognising others’ ideas, beliefs, and opinions while also protecting and maintaining your own views.

Lynn explains: “Establishing healthy intellectual boundaries is advantageous for fostering mutual respect and open conversations. Pose questions, know your limits, stay open-minded and honour differing viewpoints.”